


Cactus

by TheRumpledBook



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Drabble, Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen, Multi, Pink Lars Barriga, Post-Finale, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, Therapy, Train of thought writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:56:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28519752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRumpledBook/pseuds/TheRumpledBook
Summary: "I don't hate you."
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lars Barriga/Sadie Miller, Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Rose Quartz/Greg Universe, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 38





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I loved the angst of SU Future, (except for the stupidly simple hugs fix everything monster problem) but I also always wanted to see more of the interactions between Steven and Lars and while I'm happy that Steven gets a therapist, I think he also deserves a friend that isn't an alien, or his mom, or his girlfriend, or somehow his responsibility, and also HOW THE HELL DOES DNA WORK WITH FUSION? THIS HAS BUGGED ME FOR YEARS AND NOW IT'S GONNA BUG STEVEN TOO!   
> So all of this is from the perspective of an overactive brain and a teenager with issues, and no beta, we die like fools. No idea where we're taking it, it may have an ending, it may just be a place where I dump my brain out occasionally.   
> Be gentle folks!

Making Steven is technically supposed to be impossible.

It shouldn’t bug him, but in between sessions with his therapist, he tries to figure out how she did it. Shape shifting is so natural to Amethyst, but she has to let go of her forms. Pink became Rose and if Pearl is right, she never turned back after the Palanquin. She took on a form and she held it for thousands of years. She wanted to change – something Diamonds don’t _do_ , and when the smoke cleared, she got exactly what she wanted. And then…she did it again. She became Steven.

He wants to know how. He’s not a fusion – not exactly. White pulled him apart and he was still himself – he didn’t just turn into a clone of Greg, or a half-formed pile of chromosomes.

Connie’s mom taught him how reproduction worked. Well, how it was _supposed_ to work. She’d pulled him aside before he packed his things up and made sure he knew where babies came from, made sure that if he was going to run around on his own he wouldn’t make a mistake, that when he came back – if, _if, if he comes back –_ that he wouldn’t get her daughter in trouble, that even if the next time he asked she said _yes_ , and there was a wedding, then he wouldn’t mess up Connie’s plan. But…but when he asked if she thought he could have kids – normal kids like normal humans did – she didn’t know. She admitted that for all his biology was half familiar, it was also half…well, half. She was honest, because he needed to hear honesty, and admitted that she wasn’t sure how he could have been made.

A mammal and a rock had a kid, and that didn’t make sense, because what was a Gem beyond a trick of the light around a stone? But Rose decided she was going to make it work and she did.

_She always did whatever she wanted._

He wonders if that’s supposed to make him proud, because right or wrong, Pink did the impossible. And then he did the impossible. And…and that was special. That was amazing. That was admirable.

Wasn’t it?


	2. 2

Steven learns that he loves deserts, maybe more than he loves the beach. The dry dirt kicks up and coats his feet and it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t done anything but walk around; he’s still filthy when he comes back to his motel room. The dirt gets into everything, just like sand, but it clings to him. It doesn’t wash away with a quick spritz—it embeds itself into the crevices of his skin. He’s scrubbing his toes for ages and they’re still dirty.

He doesn’t know why it makes him smile, but he tells his doctor about it. Steven tells him that he likes how when he touches the dirt, it’s silky. Smooth and dry, instead of the nearly slimy feeling you get by the ocean. He smells the air, but no fish, and it’s weird, how the land stretches out without a single sign of humans (or Gems) for miles, but plenty of life. He likes that he can see life – see the details of the animals running around and hear the buzz of the cicadas.

“Life is all below the surface back home. There’s a lot that washes up, but it’s nothing compared to what the water’s hiding,” he says. The doctor smiles at him, and he feels like it’s okay to keep talking about this, even if it seems pointless. “Out here, nothing’s hidden. I mean, you just look close enough and you can see the holes where the snakes are sleeping and the birds are flying all over the place.”

It’s silly, but he starts wondering if this makes him a mermaid. A desert mermaid, because he’s seeing just as much life as if he were underwater. But he’s breathing fine.

It’s a thought that doesn’t make sense, but he lets himself write the idea down, wonders if he’d be silly to make it part of a song.

Maybe it would be. But he thinks Connie would understand.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am not a licensed anything, and I have no idea what would be suggested, this is stuff I've pulled out of my own therapy experiences, ways I've worked issues out in my own brain, etc. For actual therapy, please ask a professional. I like lists.

It keeps bugging him, and he wonders if it’s because he’s scared. If Connie wants kids, what will it take? Will he be able to give them to her? Will he have to…will he have to _become_ them, like his mom did? He’s half human. Does that half pass down? Does all of it? Does he want to change and become something new, like she did?

He wonders if Rose really loved Greg. If she loved him as someone special that she wanted to make a part of herself, or if she just _used_ him. If she saw someone silly and carefree like her and thought, “That’ll do. I’ll take some of it and make myself into that.” She was thousands of years old, and no matter how great Greg is, Steven has a hard time imagining any one human that was more special than the hundreds (thousands?) of loves that came before. More special than Pearl, apparently. Rainbow Quartz wasn’t enough of a change for her? Pearl was so in love, and then she chose this silly human to fuse with forever.

It’s amazing Pearl didn’t hate Greg. Steven probably would have, if he were in her shoes. If Connie decided to destroy the version of her that he’d loved and known forever and become someone different with someone else? Yeah, he’d hate them. Both of them, probably.

He discusses it with his therapist, and Dr. Torres gives him an idea.

“You’re very young still, but it’s natural to be concerned about this. Your situation isn’t unlike women who have reproductive health issues; you’re wrestling with the possibility that, in some ways, having a child might kill you. And even if it’s not the same, your absence would still leave the same mark on your family.”

Steven nods. It makes sense.

“Maybe understanding what steps brought her to make that choice would help you. Taking what you know of her life and trying to understand her logic. Make a timeline – event A happens, then what do you think she would be feeling? Why do you think that? How do those feelings lead to the next event? Give yourself an emotional map; It also might give you a better framework for what you could be facing down the road.”

He likes the idea. Dr. Torres is awesome.

He’s in a hotel at the edge of the Redwood forest when he tries to plot it out.

  * Pink Diamond is made
  * She loves the other Diamonds.
  * The other Diamonds love her.



He steps back to look at the list and…it seems simple. Okay. Good start. Then what?

  * Pink gets babied by them. And she gets sick of it.



He grimaces. Hey, something he can relate to. Steven wonders if all aliens deal with difficult family dynamics.

  * She gets sick of it, and she wants more responsibility.
  * They say no, and she keeps asking, and it’s still no.
  * She gets angry, and…



He grits his teeth.

… _and then Volleyball gets hurt._

He feels a pulse of disgust in his stomach, because it’s all too easy to imagine that. The feel of rage boiling in your veins and making everything hot and tight under your skin until you let it go. And there’s a moment of relief when you’ve let it out, but the dust settles and hey, look.

You’ve hurt someone. You…you’ve broken them.

He wonders if she felt horrified by the crack on the pink face. Did she feel the same as he did, holding those broken fragments in his hands? Did she cry?

He sets the list aside for the night, and when his nightmares play on the motel TV, it’s Vollyball in that clearing. It’s Jasper. It’s both of them.


	4. 4

Steven chews on the end of a pencil and tries to push his brain past the anger. He’s sitting in a diner, and maybe that’s irresponsible, to be around people when he knows he might get mad again, but he’s really hoping that being out here with just a couple of sleepy truckers and an indifferent waitress will be enough—like being responsible for his anger and the damage it can do will let him work through it.

It’s stupid, but he misses being around people so much it hurts.

He writes it again.

  * Vollyball gets hurt.



So…so then what?

  * Pink feels…feels _bad_ about it.



Steven has to wonder – is that when it started? Is _that_ the first time the Diamonds tossed her into the dark and locked her up?

No, probably not. That kind of anger—the kind that lets you lash out like that? It builds. And being frustrated and scared, hearing “no” to your greatest wish, even after you’ve summoned the courage to ask _again_? There’s fear in that kind of rage.

He sits back, and tries to think about that.

Pink was scared of her family. She _had_ to be. You don’t get locked up in the dark for…what? Years? Decades? _Centuries?_ Yeah, that doesn’t happen without leaving some fear behind.

He tries to imagine if Greg had done that. If Steven had thrown a tantrum, and Greg had tossed him in the van, locked it up and left him alone in the dark, no way out, no idea when it would be over. When the door opened, his dad would be there, but what would he look like to Steven? Would he look like that warm, loving Dad who taught him music and made him laugh? Would he look like a monster, a jailer? Would Steven still love him, if he did that?

Yes. Yes, he’d still love his dad. But he’d be afraid of him, wouldn’t he? After that, he’d be _terrified_.

So…so Pink was to. She had to be. But…but she threw a tantrum and maybe she knew that she might be punished for it, but she did it. Because when you want something, you have to go for it. Even if you’re scared.

_Mom was brave._

It’s the first time in a long time that he’s thought something good about Pink, and the thought is warm in his stomach next to a plate of pancakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all that it's easy to tell someone that their family sucks and they should cut them out of their lives, the actual cut is hella hard. Even when it's good for you, it's like loosing a chunk of your guts. And yeah, that chunk might have been toxic as hell, but you still lost something familiar that was a part of you. *Shrug.*  
> My ADHD pills ran out a few hours ago and I think it shows in my tags/summaries/notes. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I like lists way too much, I'm so NOT a therapist, and wow, this is more my brain than Steven in some parts. Ugh...

Steven keeps making lists. They don’t make sense, and they’re not really in order, but it feels like a reverse to-do list. He plots things out and watches his little timeline grow and it feels weirdly satisfying. Instead of marking things off he’s supposed to be adding more, and that little reward of seeing it all mapped out and growing is almost…Like, seeing on paper that he _knows_ what happened, then he can let himself _feel_ something about that.

So he keeps making lists.

  * Vollyball gets hurt. Pink feels bad about it.
  * Pink knows she can’t act like that anymore. She has to change. So…so she tries to be different?
  * White takes Vollyball away.
  * Pink ~~is alone~~ has Spinel? Not that it matters.
  * She gets her own colony, and she leaves Spinel behind.
  * Pink gets a new Pearl.
  * Pink pretends to be Rose and…and she feels free. She feels like she’s really _changed_.
  * But then…then she realizes that there’s more to it. That the earth is being hurt. That…that this is wrong.
  * She tries to make it stop. But Pink Diamond can’t stop it.
  * Rose can. Rose makes them stop.
  * And then there’s Garnet. The forbidden fusion. The one that shouldn’t exist. The one that means that even Gems can be more than what they should be.
  * Garnet means Gems can change. They can _permanently_
  * They rebel!
  * Pink becomes Rose. For real. At the Palanquin.
  * But…but the Diamonds attack. And the war is over. And…and there’s no going back. She’s made a mess and she’s got all these secrets but…but she’s got to live with it.
  * And the Earth keeps changing.
  * Then there’s Greg.
  * Then there’s Greg and Rose.
  * Then…then there’s Steven. And Rose is gone.



So now what?

Becoming Steven means becoming _one_ with humans. Just changing forms isn’t enough, now she gets to change _forever_ , because she’s part of him. She’s going to change as much as he does. As much as Stevonnie does. As much as…as his kids?

Greg wanted a change – a life away from his family. So did Rose. And both of them ran as far away and as fast as they could from their pasts. God, they’re not just perfect together, they’re _exactly the same._ And it…it brought them to Steven. They changed themselves until they became him.

But running isn’t the only part of it. They _made_ him. His mom _became_ him, and…then what?

After Stevonnie – if they’re ever Stevonnie again – then what? Will they age? Can they reverse that? Can Connie’s age reverse with him? How…how long does it last?

*

Ultimately, he knows he could ask the Diamonds about it, but…well…he really doesn’t want to. Talking to them is hard. He knows that they love him, love _both_ of him, but when they don’t understand something it really drills home how very _alien_ they are. He’s _human_ , and they’re _not_. And he spent three years trying to get them to understand him.

He did it, and he’s genuinely proud of their progress, but god it was _exhausting_.

He could ask the Crystal Gems, or his Dad, but…even if Rose told them how she’d done it, it doesn’t mean they know how he’s supposed to do it next. But he has questions that won’t leave him alone, and even if no one has answers, he should probably at least _ask_ , shouldn’t he?

Dr. Torres asks him to keep a diary—a notebook, or a simple document on his computer, but it feels like talking to Rose back in the temple room, and that just stirs up a whole new set of feelings he’s not sure what to do with. So instead, Dr. Torres suggests he write letters; emails he can send to the Doctor if he wants, or he can keep to himself. But something that gets him out of his own head and starts poking at some of those squishy bits in his heart that hurt when he touches them.

He isn’t sure why, but starting his first letter feels…right? Like, this is probably a good person to ask.

_Dear Lars,_

_My therapist says that writing letters to people can help you put things into perspective, ~~even if~~ especially if you never mean to send them. _

_~~Do you hate me?~~ _

_~~I know it’s a weird thing to ask after all this but…I’ve been talking to my doctor lately and t~~_ _There’s a lot of questions coming up about me. Me and_ what _I am, you know? And that made me think of what I’d make, kid wise. And I kind of wondered if I’d live forever? Or if my kids would? And which they’d be more of – human or gem. And how that would work. And then I thought of what my mom made. And then that made me think of Lion, and what she did to make him. And then I thought of you. You’re immortal now, I think ~~. And you’re not with Sadie~~. _

_I feel like I took things from you. And I’m not sure what to make of that. I didn’t know what I was doing—I know you know that. But you’re…pink now, because of what I did ~~. And Jasper was shattered, even though I didn’t know what I was doing then either.~~ I feel like I need to apologize. _

_I shattered someone. I fixed them! But I kind of hate myself for it. And I’m scared of myself now. I can bring people back from the dead, and I can fix gems after they’re broken, but…but I’m also a Shatterer. And that’s something I never thought I ~~could~~ would do. _

_~~So do you hate me?~~ _

He sends the letter with all its edits to Dr Torres, because the doctor wants to understand his train of thought for a while, or something like that. He’s asked the doc if they can talk about something else for the next couple weeks before they address it, because it feels a little like he just sent his soul to be published, and that raw, inside-out feeling is kind of awful.


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a bit cliché to have character A read something sent by character B that was never meant to be shared, but I feel like Steven would just keep it all in so I'm using it. Still unbettaed and I don't know if I like it but we'll see how this goes.

Steven gets up the next day feeling…lighter? Nauseous? Better? Terrible? He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel, but something in his heart is loose, like some thing that’s come unglued and is rattling around in there. It’s not better. But it’s not worse.

*

Three days later, Steven checks out of his hotel and finds Lars sitting on the roof of the Dondai. He looks pissed.

Steven freezes, then shuffles forward. He thinks for a moment that he’s hallucinating—it’s hot enough out here-- but Lars doesn’t vanish when he gets closer. Damn. Not a mirage.

Further down the road he can see the a ship hovering over the road, and it’s a miracle there’s no one out today on the back roads. Lars looks over his shoulder and does a little salute, and whoever’s piloting must see because the ship hurtles away. He looks back at Steven, and his face makes something inside of him twist.

“Lars!” He tries to smile and sound cheerful. “What are you doing here? I thought you guys were off to roam the galaxy!”

“I got the email Steven.”

Something cold floods his veins.

“W-what email?”

“ _Dear Lars, do you hate me?”_ Lars looks ready to start screaming. “What the hell?!”

“…y-you get email out in space?”

“Get in the car.”

He hops off the roof and hits a button somewhere on his gauntlets. The car unlocks and Lars is getting in the driver’s seat, adjusting his mirrors and hitting more buttons on his gloves and hey, the Dondai can be turned on with Gem tech. Who knew?

The window comes down, and this time Lars doesn’t snarl. He just looks sad. “Get in the car kiddo. We’re gonna go get something to eat.”

He can’t think of anything he could say, so Steven gets in.

*

They’re driving for about ten minutes, silent but for the sound of the engine and Steven’s fidgeting in the passenger’s seat. It’s terrible.

“…So…how long are you guys—”

Lars cuts him off. “I don’t hate you.”

Steven lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“I didn’t mean that. I—it was an exercise. For my therapist. I wasn’t supposed to send it to you. We were going to discuss it next week, with a couple others.”

Lars scoffs. “I figured. But I read it, and then I knew I had to get back here.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t apologize.” Lars sighs. “I was going to come back in a few weeks anyways. My dad is getting some kind of knee surgery and I wanted to help my mom while he recovers.” He looks over at Steven, smiles a little. “This is a good reason to come back too.”


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's the big break down. And yes, this sandwich is actual comfort food I've made for myself, though I actually prefer it on a tortilla.   
> I actually wrote and read through this thing in like, a half hour so this is not my favorite stuff and I'm aware I need to edit better, but I'm treating this more as raw brainstorming rather than a proper story.   
> Fun notes, I think it's pretty clear that Lars definitely still has feelings for Sadie but is a good enough guy (now) to be a supportive friend and want her happiness, so in my mind, he's probably memorized all of her songs and uses them as a kind of mental cuddle to help himself deal sometimes.   
> Also, Steven's thoughts are definitely not rational, he's really just reacting to unexpected comfort and kindness, and I plan on getting more into (my mental hopes for) Lars in the next chapter, because it's probably going to be from his perspective (if not for the whole thing, than just for the first part). Cheers!

Lars drives them to the nearest town, where he makes Steven book a room at an odd little motel that seems clean, if mildly obsessed with floral patterns. He shucks his Pirate accessories and drags them to a little farmers market where he fusses over all the ingredients needed for “My personal favorite comfort food sandwich, guaranteed to compliment any crying you might have to do.” It makes Steven smile a little, and he takes a moment to observe Lars.

This is actually the first time he’s seen the pink man in a setting that didn’t have any gem connections, and the unnatural color of his skin is definitely drawing looks. But if it bothers him, Lars isn’t letting it show. He’s hunting for the best tomatoes and offering samples of home-made cheese to Steven, asking which he likes better, the white cheddar or the extra sharp yellow? He's focused completely on his mission; He looks comfortable, confident in whatever he’s planning. He pays with cash that looks old and worn, like it’s been crumpled up in his jeans and forgotten. Steven tries to offer to pay, but Lars just waves him off and tells him to find them someone who sells bread.

By the time they get back to the room, it’s close to dusk, and Steven realizes that…they really haven’t said much to each other. He hasn’t asked about the Off Colors, and Lars isn’t pushing him about the letter. He’s just herding Steven from place to place and giving him little tasks to do, like Lars is supposed to be in charge and Steven is his responsibility.

Lars is treating him like a kid.

It’s a weird feeling, and it should chafe. But…it doesn’t?

Lars slaps together a sandwich, and then he’s using some kind of weird laser feature on one of his Pirate gauntlets to cook it over a bit of tinfoil. He’s humming to himself as he works, and it takes a minute before Steven recognizes the song. _Working Dead,_ Sadie’s first big song.

Suddenly there’s a gooey, awkwardly cooked sandwich in front of him. Steven looks up and Lars is just smiling a little.

“Eat up. I’m gonna see if there’s something to watch.”

Steven takes the sandwich with a soft, “Thanks,” but he doesn’t eat at first. He just looks at the sandwich. The bread is some kind of fancy, herby roll that Lars has slathered in butter and pesto, and there’s a spicy mayo and pungent hummus oozing out the sides. He thinks there might be an entire tomato diced up in the middle, and little bits of feta that refused to melt are mixed up with the five other cheeses. It makes the room reek of garlic and onion, and it looks utterly delicious.

Steven starts to cry.

First there’s just a few tears, then some soft sobbing. Then he’s just…crying. Fully, with hiccups and snot and sobs and…he’s still holding the sandwich.

Lars doesn’t run over, just flips the channels to a documentary on furniture making, then calmly sits down next to Steven and throws his arm around shaking shoulders.

“Yep. Come on, kiddo. Lean back.” He kind of pushes and maneuvers Steven until he’s settled on the bed with a stack of pillows propping him up. Lars settles against the headboard, one arm still around his shoulders, the other fiddling with the remote.

He doesn’t say anything, just lets Steven cry, big deep sobs that shake him and make him want to clench his hands. But he can’t, because the sandwich is there and he doesn’t want to squish it because it’s probably delicious and Lars made it for him, made him _comfort food_ special for _crying_ and he can’t squish that, it’s too nice, its so fancy, he has to hold still and, oh no, Lars took it away and put it aside, is he mad? No, no, he’s just watching the TV, he’s still here, he hasn’t left, he came all the way from space to make Steven a sandwich and it’s so nice. Lars is really nice to him, he should be a better friend, Lars who got killed because of him and lost Sadie and it’s all his fault, of course it’s his fault, it’s always his fault, he’s such a shitty leader, shitty friend, he can’t even eat a sandwich without falling apart…

His skin is pink. He’s pink, oh god that’s not good he’s dangerous, he’s going to hurt someone, he hasn’t done this in weeks, why now? Lars is going to run away, of course he’s going to run away, he fed a kid a sandwich and now there’s freaky gem glowing, he remembers Steven’s rampage, he knows this is bad, he’s got to stop crying, but he can’t stop crying, why is he crying _now_ , because he got a sandwich? That’s so stupid! This is…

And then he realizes there’s…noise? Someone’s singing.

Lars is singing.

“ _Delirious dizzy, terrified…but I’m suddenly out of bed…I think I might be…a g-g-g-ghost_.”

He’s singing _Ghost_. Sadie’s _Ghost_ song.

“ _Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see me_?” His voice is gravely and awkward. The tempo is inconsistent, and he’s missing chunks here and there. He’s a terrible singer. But…but…

“ _I’m calling you from the other side_ …”

Lars came from Space and made him a sandwich and he’s sitting with Steven while he cries and he’s not freaked out, or trying to fix him, or upset at all. He’s just watching boring TV and singing an old song and he hasn’t let go this whole time. Steven’s glowing pink and he’s dangerous right now but Lars’ arm is still around him, a strong grip keeping him right next to Steven.

Lars is here for him. And he made Steven a sandwich.

Lars keeps singing, looping different songs and all of them are from Sadie’s band, and it’s…it’s really nice. Slowly but surely, the crying dies back. The hiccups halt, the sobbing slows, the tears turn down into a trickle. The weak, almost tremble that settled into his arms and made him feel like a helpless kitten has faded. The pink glow dies away.

Steven wants his sandwich.

“I…I’m hungry,” he says. Lars just nods and sets down the remote, gathers up the sandwich one handed and passes it over. He doesn’t look directly at Steven, and he doesn’t move away. It’s a very Lars way of offering privacy, he realizes. There’s no one looking at him, so he can cry or make a mess or have snot all over his face, and Lars is still right there with him, but if he’s not looking, then Steven doesn’t have to admit to anything if he doesn’t want to.

It’s…it’s very Lars.

The sandwich is delicious, and although he never kicks into full break down crying, there are still some tears, and apparently Lars was right – the sandwich still tastes good if you cry into it. It’s rich and heavy and a bit too decadent, and the whole thing falls apart in his hands a few times, but Lars doesn’t say anything, just pulls napkins out of thin air (or maybe out of his head) and passes them over. Eventually, the sandwich is gone, and now he’s falling asleep against the prickly pink pirate, and hey, that sounds like a song.

Steven’s eyes slide down and he sleeps without dreaming.

Lars never moves.


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Rose bashing is coming up here: I think a big part of Steven's issues is that he never really took a moment to admit that the Pink Diamond revelation kinda upended the foundation of a big part of his life, and now he has to go back and sort out the new feelings that come with it. Like he just kind of went, okay, Mom is not who anyone thought, that sucks, she made a mess I have to clean up now, and hey, now we've got this thing with Spinel and Vollyball and wow, she's not just a liar, she's also a terrible person, I really can't trust anything I think I know about her and therefore, who I am, because hey, she's half of me, I'm half a terrible lying person, that kinda rearranges everything I thought about myself but I'm too busy to look at that right now.   
> I kinda wonder if this is how kids of serial killers feel after they find out about their parents, and maybe that's a dramatic take, but this is my brain and I like it here.

_Dear Lars, do you hate me?_

They haven’t moved for about three hours, and Steven’s snoring _hard_ , so it’s probably going to be a while longer. The arm wrapped around him is pretty solidly numb, and there’s a crick in his back from the angle and the headboard, but Lars doesn’t have it in him to wake the kid just to move him over, so he tries to carefully flex or stretch his limbs without moving too much.

It’s awkward.

_Dear Lars, do you hate me?_

Most of what Lars knows about Steven’s home life comes from the periphery; he was only three when Steven was born, and while he kind of remembers seeing a big pink lady running around, he doesn’t think he was ever formally introduced. He didn’t _know_ Rose, and so he’s not sure if she’d had any kind of maternal….well, not _instincts_ , probably, but maternal _feelings_ towards her theoretical son. Spending years around the Off Colors and the gem school, he was pretty confident that all the mothering Steven had gotten from Pearl and Garnet was very much a learned behavior, like gift giving and saying “Excuse me,” after a burp. He had no doubt they loved him, and sure, Greg probably did his best, but even then, Steven was raised _by warrior rebel immortal rock people_. They’d put him in danger, even if it was supposed to be gradual, and yeah, Steven _could_ take it, but that doesn’t mean he _should_ have.

Stars _above_ , this kid is so, so messed up. Lars eyes him up and down and notes the bags under his eyes, thinks about the faint hum he’d heard when the pink glow had kicked on, and he lets himself sigh and sag into Steven.

“It’s not your fault kiddo.”

*  
Steven wakes up around nine, disoriented but looking better rested, and maybe a bit more relaxed. He wonders how long it’s been since Steven really and truly let himself cry, but Lars doesn’t say anything, just gets up and starts making breakfast from the leftover sandwich fixings and a couple of eggs he pulls out of the mini fridge. He’s not sure if it’s because the eggs are from a duck instead of a chicken, or because he had to cook them in a glass with his laser, but they come out runny instead of fluffy, and microwaving the cheese makes the oils separate. Still, Steven scarfs it up and offers a grin, so even if it’s not up to his usual standards, the kid seems happy enough.

It occurs to him that, at sixteen, Steven is actually pretty close to his own frozen age, and he smiles a little.

An alarm goes off, and Steven jumps, then lunges for his phone. “My appointment!”

He gives Lars a guilty look. “I…um…I need to take this? It’s…I have a virtual meet up with Dr. Torres.”

Lars wants to yell at him—why is he guilty about an appointment? Like he thinks Lars is going to be put out that the kid needs an hour for his own health? But yelling wouldn’t help, and he needs to get out anyway, so Lars just nods and heads for the door. “Go for it. I’m gonna go explore a while.”

He doesn’t wait for a response, just heads out and starts calling up the crew.

*

The Off Colors have gone to Beach City, and when he tells them he’s not sure how long this will be, they just promise him they’re okay, excited to visit their classmates and explore town a bit more. He’s fairly certain Rhodonite is going to head over to his parents and fuss over them—the Gems find the idea of a surgery _terrifying,_ like _oh my god Lars why would you let someone cut open your physical form just to make you feel better, that’s insane!_ —and he can only hope that Fluorite reigns her in before she overwhelms his parents.

He feels a spike of fondness for his crew – they don’t always understand humans, but they love _him_ , and they try _for_ him. He’d told them once about aging and human death, and the panic on their faces— _oh my gosh you’re dying all the time, doesn’t that mean we’re going to see you die like, tomorrow?_ It sucked, even when he’d told them what Steven knew about Lion’s age, but they still worried, and really, someone needed to _sit_ on the Rutiles before they started researching telomeres and biology again.

His crew kinda rocks, pun intended.

He wanders through the little town, pops into one of the dozen antique shops and considers looking for some old records for his dad. The place’s collection is a bit thin though, so he finds a touristy old-fashioned sweet shop and buys coconut macarones for his mom instead. He blows the last of his cash on a giant caramel-sea salt lollipop that’s quite literally the size of his head, checks the time, and heads back to the room.

He doesn’t knock, just swoops in and tries to pretend to be casual, throwing his parent’s treats in the mini fridge and offering the caramel treat to Steven.

The kid is smiling a little, and he looks like he might actually be feeling better now.

“Good meeting?” Lars asks.

Steven nods. “Dr Torres said it was good to see I had someone with me while we worked through some of the big stuff. I didn’t know how long you’d be here when he asked but—”

“Dad’s surgery isn’t til Friday after next, and the Off Colors can come get me when I need to head out. If you want me to crash with you til then, I can do that.”

Steven smiles and gnaws a little at the lollipop. “I’d like that.”

*

Apparently, the letter Steven didn’t mean to send was about more than his feelings towards Lars. It comes back to his mom.

It _always_ comes back to Rose.

“Sometimes…I don’t know if I believe that my mom really wanted a _kid_. Like, I don’t think she wanted one like…like _humans_ want kids. I think…I think she just wanted to change herself. Again. She left me a video when I was younger—you remember that time that Sadie and I were crying in the back with the VCR?--and she talked about how…whenever I loved myself, it was actually her loving me. And loving being half of me. And back then, I thought she meant that she was happy that I was going to get to live, like maybe she didn’t know that she was going to have to give up her form if she made me, but that she was okay with it. But then…then I found out about things…she kept _so many secrets._ ”

Lars nods and just keeps rubbing Steven’s back.

“It’s just…I don’t think she was surprised that she had to give up her form. I think she knew that before she started making me. And I’m not sure I want to ask anyone about it. I don’t want to ask the Gems what she told them, or my dad, or how she convinced them it was okay. Because I don’t…even if they tell me she did it for some noble reason, I know I just…I can’t _trust_ her. Anything about her. And so I don’t want to ask because if it was awful then there’s even more awful stuff about her that I have to deal with, and if it was good, I still can’t trust it, so what’s the point?”

Lars lets Steven laps into quiet, and he’s looking at his lollipop like it’s insulted him. It takes a minute, but then there’s a hint of tears building at the corner of Steven’s eyes again, and yes, he probably _needs_ to cry, but Lars isn’t sure he can sit still and watch more documentaries, so he tries to find his words.

“So…look, dude, I’m not a therapist, and I’m really not that much older than you, so maybe this is stupid, but…Steven, you can ask yourself ‘why did she do this,’ and ‘was she lying’ all day long. But do you think you’re ever really going to get an _actual_ answer? Like, I’m not being a jerk here, because Gem-magic-tech stuff is crazy. I’m being serious. Do you think you’ll ever get the real answer? Like, from your mom directly, in some way that makes you one hundred percent confident you know she’s not lying?”

Steven blinks at him, then stares down at his shoes. The kid’s feet are filthy.

“…No. I don’t think I will.”

Aw fuck, he’s going to cry again, isn’t he? Lars scrambles.

“Well, then why does it matter?”

Okay now Steven’s looking at him like he’s turned into an eel.

“W-what? What d—”

“—I mean, okay, maybe she did love you, and maybe she didn’t, or maybe she was trying to be a good parent or maybe she was just being selfish, but you just admitted that you’re never _really_ going to be sure, so…so does it really _matter_ what her motives were? I mean…” he sighs a little. “Look, you know that dumb saying, ‘Actions speak louder than words?’ Well, I kinda got stuck on it, while I was out in space. And I think that it doesn’t mean you have to show proof of how you feel. I think it means that…sometimes…bad people do good things for reasons that are still…well, not good. But at the end of the day, who cares why they did it? If a guy buys a broke family a house, it doesn’t matter if he was doing it to get a discount on his taxes or because he actually wanted to be a good person. The family who has a safe place to sleep doesn’t really care why he did it, they’re just grateful someone helped them.”

Steven’s got a weird look on his face, and shit, this isn’t working, is it? Okay, fine, time to get mushy.

“Look, Steven, lets face it, I was a total jerk before I went to homeworld. I was a coward. I abandoned Sadie without even trying, and I had to be inspired to help _myself_ survive by a thirteen year old! The truth is…the only reason I jumped on that robanoid was because I was trying to act like a hero. Like the kind of guy who was better than I’d been. And it got me killed, yeah, but that part was…kinda fine? But the Off Colors didn’t care _why_ I was helping them—I was just a random human spouting off words. They didn’t know me from a hole in the ground. But I was able to help them, and they were glad of it. So…I mean, _I_ like to think that it didn’t matter why I was doing it. I helped them get somewhere safe and…that’s all that mattered then. And your mom is kind of like that? At least a little.”

He’s rambling and he knows it, but there’s no tears and he’s trying to make a point, and Steven looks like he’s actually listening, so okay, rambling. That…maybe that’s okay.

“Look, maybe your mom was being selfish with the Pink Diamond into Rose Quartz thing, but she still saved earth. I mean, not everything she did was okay, and yeah, it’s messed up that you had to deal with it, but…I mean…Steven…if you’re never going to get a straight answer that you _know_ you can trust, maybe just…I don’t know…enjoy the results? I mean…she made _you_. That’s pretty good. And no matter why or how, her choices led to you changing everything. For the better, I think. So…yeah. Just. Dude, maybe you should step back and just look at what she did, instead of winding yourself up with more questions. Like, take a break. Eat your lolipop. You’ve got enough to worry about right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this one is a lot of personal opinion projected onto Steven's life, because I kinda hate Rose as a person. Like, I know that Rose loved people, but I PERSONALLY don't believe that she was actually trying to be a mom when she made Steven. Someone commented earlier that they thought she hated herself, and while I do think she felt guilt about things, I don't think she became Steven to run away from her past, exactly. Like, I think she was just trying to find the ultimate way to get what she wanted -- true and permanent change from who she'd been, and continued change that never ends so she never gets bored. But I don't think she's a Mom. Like, at all. At most, I kinda count her as a parasite riding along with something she made and enjoying how his life is now for her to experience.   
> Now, that's NOT to say I think a gem can't be a mom--Pearl and Garnet have definitely proven they can express love in a parental fashion, and I love them for that, but as Lars is going to point out, this is learned behavior, not natural to them, but something they figured out because they chose to, and that's pretty freaking awesome in my opinion.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short little set up for future stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little set up for whatever my brain decides to give me next, so I have no idea what I'm doing, or when I might come back to this again. I actually have a bit of original work I may post soon, but I always feel like Lars and Steven need more love. So we'll see?

When the taffy pop is gone, Steven goes to pack up the room and check out, and Lars excuses himself to hang by the car.

He makes a couple of calls out to Beach City, and twenty minutes later, he has a nice pile of money wired out to him. He’s been having Blue Lace Agate send the profits from his shop to his parents—he figures he doesn’t need it out in space, and since she never sleeps or eats, Blue Lace Agate does the work of three people on a single salary. 

But when he tells them he wants to dip into the money, and what he wants to do with it, they get excited. Like, _really_ excited. It’s a little startling. It’s the kind of enthusiasm he remembers from his first return from space, and then when he opened the bakery. He realizes after the call that maybe they were worried about Steven too. Okay, it’s not actually _that_ surprising – Steven’s the kid that made sure _their_ kid _survived space_. He’s the reason Lars had a chance to come home and do this stuff to begin with. _Of course_ they care about Steven.

So…yeah. That makes sense.

His phone starts going off with alerts not ten minutes after their chat, and when he checks his email he sees something like thirty new links. They’ve sent him coupons and articles and guides to insider secrets, and it makes him smile. Dante is a massive research nerd sometimes and Martha collects travel brochures with obsessive fervor. He kinda wonders if he should invite them, but…nah. He’ll take them another time.

This time is just for Steven.

*

Lars asks for the keys to the Dondai.

“You weren’t planning on any particular route, right?”

Steven looks a little surprised. “N-no? I guess not. I was…I was just going towards the boarder states? I thought about hitting the big national parks but…did you have a place you wanted to go?”

“Yep.”

Steve hands over the keys and then they’re driving.

The kid fidgets for a minute as they hop onto one of the bigger highways. “…So…where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“A surprise? Like a surprise party?!” And suddenly there’s a spark. Steven’s smiling with stars in his eyes, and all of a sudden he looks like a little kid excited to take home a novelty ice cream fridge.

It makes Lars smile back. Just a little. Like a cool smirk maybe.

“Even better kiddo. Up for a road trip to the Florida Archipelagos?”

“Oh! I think there’s a giant ball of yarn somewhere between here and there. Can we visit that too?”

“Uh…sure. No prob. We can do that.”

Steven just grins even bigger. "I love Surprise Road Trips!" He smiles until he falls asleep.


End file.
